Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Legendary Snot Blast Meeting

No one saw it coming. Everyone saw it happen. Don’t be ashamed. You laughed so hard you blasted snot onto the table. The president of the company wiped it off the table with a napkin and didn’t quite know what to say. You’re not going to get fired.

I will be honest with you. They will talk around the office. There will be jokes made. You blew snot out when you laughed. It smacked the table and there it was. A yellow/green snot slug. You were terrified by it. Whatever reason you were laughing vanished. There was your snot. Six inches from the president’s cheese and cracker. A fragment may have gone in his fruit punch. You’ve always been awkward though. This is just another episode. That’s why you take your pill.

Don’t drive into oncoming traffic tonight. It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t used to laughing. You had deviated septum surgery six years ago and the three times you laughed since then happened when you didn’t have a cold. You just had to babysit your niece last night. It’s her fault. Daycares are virus factories. You just had to tell your sister you’d pick up her kid. Your sweet little niece with the same colored snot oozing down her lip when you picked her up. You just had to snuggle her. You just had to tickle her. It was an invitation to the snot-pouring cold that flecked the president of the company with your snot and spit.

It was inexcusable. There is no reason why people should be funny around the office.

Jim the jack ass approached the records clerk with hands outstretched. It was an odd gesture. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t seem right. Jim deserved it. It’s nice when the blue collar college drop-out shows up the awkward Ivy League jack ass. That’s what happens when people love themselves. They get humiliated when the world doesn’t realize just how awesome they think they are. The records clerk was nervous. That’s why he asked Jim the jack ass if they were going to hug. He just wanted to know before hand. He was there to deliver the photo copies of the meeting agenda, and Jack walked at him like that, arms open.

The poor records clerk. He got in trouble from Carol the IT imp. No wonder he’s nervous. Carol is short and obese. Carol doesn’t have people skills. Carol likes to be in charge. It’s like a little treat. She didn’t like how the records clerk organized the files. She yelled at him. She scolded him like a bastard child who burned down the house they lived in. He organized the files alphabetically but not with the proper side facing out.

The records clerk was probably going to quit. Like the six before him. It was a shame too. He kept things well stocked. But who could stand her, the devious IT imp who tortured every assistant she was issued. You can tell she enjoyed it too. Like an animal she could abuse for every time she was passed over or ignored. Someone should talk to her about that.

But then, the president of the department didn’t much care about that kind of thing. He was always talking about Mercedes and how brilliant they were. He mumbled a lot and disappeared at the sight of frustration. He was the vanisher in the pressed jacket.

You're so lucky you kept going to your college classes. Can you imagine getting paid what the records clerk got paid? No way.

The snot was wiped away. There would be jokes. Maybe she could laugh about it after all. Maybe she would have a glass of wine tonight. She opened a bottle last winter and it might still be in the door of the fridge.

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