Any young American man who retains one or both of his testicles into adulthood looks forward to the day when he purchases his very own chainsaw. We can argue about which ones are better than others and which ones are garbage, but the main thing is having one. If you have crap you need to saw in half, like large hunks of wood, you go in the garage and you fire that beast up.
Just in case there’s anyone out there who is a little nervous about the whole thing, I’m including some pointers I’ve learned along the way about chainsaw use.
*Be prepared for your significant other not to be as excited as you about your chainsaw.
Your significant other may not share your perspective on how much crap needs to get sawed up. The tree which you think is half dead may appear half alive to someone else. The branch you think is hanging too low or too close to your house may not appear too low to too close to others. If you rent, your landlord may be concerned about your willingness to assist in the landscaping plan. Also, seriously, ice sculpture is for pros and you ain’t one.
*You can cut off significant parts of your body if you’re not careful.
Read the manual. Chainsaws aren’t used as torture devices by drug cartels for nothing. If the thing can slice through oak it can probably take off your foot. You don’t want to be the guy they wheel into the ER with your severed body part in a Coleman cooler, or worse yet, the corpse they wheel into the morgue with the report that reads “Idiot chainsawed himself to death with his own equipment.”
Note: Generally, this may significantly increase your significant other’s lack of excitement about your new chainsaw addressed above. There are some exceptions to this.
*Don’t drink alcohol while operating your chainsaw.
*Some things which chainsawed can’t be taken back.
To slightly alter Eddie Vedder’s lyrics, it’s true that some things when chainsawed can’t be taken back. It takes a long time to grow a good tree. Don’t ruin years of growth just because you have an itchy trigger finger. Again, human extremities are included in the category of things which, when chainsawed, can’t be taken back.
*Trees tipping over can be just as dangerous as the chainsaw.
Study methods of making trees fall the way you want them too. Your home insurance policy may not cover damage sustained by negligent use of chainsaw. Plus it’s difficult to watch the game when you have a white pine in the middle of your living room.
Note: This may significantly increase your significant other’s lack of excitement about your new chainsaw addressed above. Also, some helpful stats on chainsaw injuries are available at http://www.elvex.com/facts08.htm.
Don’t forget to yell “Timber!” when the tree is going down. It’s a cathartic beginning to a winter warmed by a well fed fireplace.