Sunday, November 11, 2012

Ornery Morning, In Honor of Veteran's Day

INTERIOR. KITCHEN. MORNING.



A military veteran HUSBAND reads morning newspaper while having his morning coffee. His WIFE arrives in the kitchen.
W: Did you make coffee?
H: Yep.
W: Good. I’m exhausted. The dog wanted to go out about six times last night. Baby was up twice. You managed to sleep through everything.
H: Yeah, I slept good.
W: I don’t understand why the dog always has to wake me up.
H: I’m the alpha male. He knows better.
W: Or maybe because you sleep through the dog whining to go outside and take a crap.
H: That could be too.
W: Without me this whole house would be covered in dog diarrhea.
H: Thank you for your service.
WIFE pours herself a cup of coffee and notices its consistency.
W: You’re back to making your coffee Army strong? I thought you said you were trying to cut back?
H: I was. I don’t know what happened this morning. I made it strong again.
WIFE pours out half her cup of coffee and runs some water into it.
W: It’s like syrup.
H: Yeah, I know.
W: I hate it when you do this. I start drinking it then a half hour later I’m shitting and shaking. I can’t focus on anything. Your coffee gives me acute attention deficit disorder and explosive diarrhea.
H: Shitting and shaking?
W: Yeah, shitting and shaking and breaking out into cold sweats. I just can’t take the army strong, hub.
H: Sorry, hon. Didn’t mean to make it military grade.
W: That’s okay.

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