Monday, January 20, 2014

Man Decides He Would Prefer Getting Punched in Head Rather Than Listen to Another Richard Kessler Radio Ad

“I don’t know, man. Maybe because it’s radio. It’s too much for me to handle. His voice…alone with me in the car talking about the love of my life…and why I need to buy his amazing diamonds. The smug tone of his voice. The insinuation that he needs to be involved in your most intimate relationships. It’s a decision every man has to make on his own. Submit or resist. To Richard Kessler and his unholy diamonds!”

Allen Philharmon is not alone in his struggle against Richard Kessler and his radio ads for Kessler’s Diamonds.

Keith Yuckliss reported he felt a palpable, creepy sensation when listening to Richard Kessler’s radio ads. “I have to admit it. I got sucked in. Way in. Too far in. I listen to the radio a lot at work. I hear his ads all the time. Initially, I felt mild to moderate irritability every time I heard his voice on the radio. Well, more like strong irritability. Or mild rage…actually…to be honest. Anyway, when I was preparing to ask my fiancée to marry me, I guess by some kind of twisted classic conditioning, I drove to Kessler’s Diamonds. I guess it wasn’t classic conditioning so much as Stockholm Syndrome. I found a ring. I bought it. I was getting ready to get on one knee when I noticed my heart was pounding out of my chest. I realized it wasn’t because I was overwhelmed with love for my girlfriend. It was out of fear that Richard Kessler would be laying in our honeymoon suite wearing only silk underwear. I mean, he obviously finds himself to be an amazing person. Where is the line? Is there one?”

Yuckliss and Philharmon started a support group for those struggling with Richard Kessler related problems.

According to Yuckliss, “We tried supplementing our groups with sessions at The Snuggle House in Madison, but that got shut down, so now we’re back to just outpatient group settings.”

One young man who attends outpatient group meetings for Post-Traumatic-Richard-Kessler-Disorder (PTRKD) spoke with reporters briefly under condition of anonymity. “You see all those happy couples on the Kessler Diamond’s Facebook page? I’m just wondering if there is some sort of clause in their financial agreement that says Richard Kessler gets an oily backrub once a month if requested from all those who have to take out a loan for one of his rings. All I know is that I’d rather get punched in the head than hear another one of Richard Kessler’s radio ads.”

An investigation revealed there were no oily back rub clauses in any purchase agreement with Kessler or any of his diamonds.

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